The scariest part in being loved by someone is the uncertainty that they may stop anytime.

But I have this innate feeling that since I can never loathe something one hundred percent...I must hold love for it. And with that I am going to have love for him for a very long time. I wish things could have changed magically. I don't want to live a lie..so I guess this has come to an end of either a illusional cycle of beginnings. I get really hollowed and contradictingly(real word?) sad inside. Last night , after the call I made s many thousands of times...I still didn't get that sense that this time if you gave him a chance he might change..things might actually go in your direction..then I glance momentarily into my future and realized because things might not actually change I can not ... give him another chance...I am losing energy and gaining death. Like I am spending energy writing this post bcause I feel like I need to release this stress from my chest and uplift my soul.

But then there is.....

especially my feelings. I wish I could say it before its all too late.

I have this tough exterior that seems to sabotage me and save me from the hurt that comes anyway. If life is love....When did life become so difficult? or maybe the simplicity of it all is just not setting well with me in this stage of life...or even less advanced ...I might not fully understand love...but can you ever? So many bad titles its received...can or will I ever come to know it at first chance without being judgmental about who and what love is.

I need to make my bed....or get in it.....

no no

I need to make my bed and make my life choices as much as possible.

sn: I want him back.But differently. I want him to be unpredictable....communicating....open-minded.....happy/positive...... humorous....non-secretive.....and everything else I had in mind....but i'm being selfish.

Psychedelic experience are only a glimpse of genuine mystical insight, but a glimpse which can be matured and deepened by the various ways of meditation in which drugs are no longer necessary or useful…psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eye permanently glued to the microscope, he goes away and works on what he has seen. --Alan Watts

10 Things I Want To Say To A Black Woman by Joshua Bennett

10 THINGS I WANT SAY TO A BLACK WOMAN
Joshua Bennett

I’d first like to say all women are beautiful from every nationality. This is nothing against any other nationality.

1. I wish I could put your voice in jar, wait for those lonely winter nights when I forget what God sounds like, run to the nearest maximum security prison and open it. Watch the notes that bounce off the walls like ricocheted bullets, punching keyholes into the sternums of every brother in the room, skeletons opening, rose blossom beautiful to remind you that the way to a black man’s heart is not through his stomach, it is through the heaven in your ‘hello’; the echo of unborn galaxies that pounces forth from your vocal cords, that melts ice grills into oceans, baptizing our lips, and so harsh words fade from our memories, and we forget why we stopped calling you divine in the first place.

2. When I was born my mother’s smile was so bright, it knocked the air from my lungs, and I haven’t been able to breathe right since. It’s something about the way light dances off your teeth, the way the moon gets jealous when you mock her crescent figure with the shape of your mouth. Queen, you make the sky insecure, self-conscious for being forced to stare at your face every morning and realize that the blues of her skin was painted by that symphony doing cartwheels on your tongue.

3. Who else can make kings out of bastards, turn a fatherless Christmas into a floor full of gifts and a kitchen that smells like the Lord is coming tomorrow, and we must eat well tonight. I used to think my sister was a blacksmith, the way she baked fire and metal and made kitchen miracles at fourteen, making enough food to feed a little boy who didn’t have the words to say how much she meant to him back then, or enough backbone to say so the day he turned twenty.

4. Your skin reminds me of everything beautiful I have ever known: the colour of ink on a page, the earth we walk on and the cross that hung my Saviour.

5. I’ve seen you crucified too, spread out on billboards to be spiritually impaled by millions of men with eyes like nails, who made mothers of your daughters; so I’m sorry for the music deals, for Justin Timberlake at the Superbowl, and that young man on the corner this morning, who made you undershade your flesh and become invisible. Never doubt, he only insults you because, men are confused. Now we are trained to destroy or conquer everything we see from birth.

6. If I ever see Don Imus in public I will punch him in the face, one time for every member of the Rutgers and Tennessee Women Basketball Teams. Then I’ll show him a picture of Phylicia Rashad, Assata Shakur, Arthur Kit, my mother, my grandmother and my seven-year-old niece, who’s got eyes like firebombs, and then dare him to tell me that black women are only beautiful in one shade of skin.

7. You are like a sunrise in a nation at war; you remind people that there is always something worth waiting up to.

8. When we are married I will cook, do the dishes and whatever else it takes to let you know that traditional gender roles have no place in the home we build; so my last name is an option, babysitting the kids a treat we split equally, and our bed will be an ancient temple where I construct altars of wax on the small of your back. We make love like the sky is falling, moving to the rhythm of bedsprings and Bell Biv DeVoe. Angels applauding in unison, saying this is the way it was meant to be.

9. My daughter will know her father’s face from the day she is born, and I can only pray that the superman complex lasts long enough for me deflect the pain this world will aim at her from the moment she is old enough to realize that the colour brown is still not considered human most places. But my daughter will have a smile like a wheelchair, and so even when I am at my worst, when the Kryptonite of this putrid planet threatens to render me grounded, the light dancing off of her teeth, will transform the shards of my broken body into heart-shaped blackbirds, taking flight on a wing that reminds me of my Saviour’s hands, my daughter’s smile, my mother’s laugh when I was in her womb.

10. Never stop pushing, this world needs you now more than ever…

Who taught you to hate the color of your skin? Who taught you to hate the texture of your hair? Who taught you to hate the shape of your nose and the shape of your lips? Who taught you to hate yourself from the top of your head to the soles of your feet? Who taught you to hate your own kind? Who taught you to hate the race that you belong to so much so that you don’t want to be around each other?

-malcolm x

Another Magical Man has Pasted Away....

His spoken word pieces of the 1970s are considered to have influenced what would later become the genres of hip-hop and neo-soul.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2011/05/28/gil-scott-heron-godfather-rap-dies-new-york-hospital/#ixzz1NceBE0hG

i'm not a supported of fox news though....

Gil Scott-Heron - 'Me And The Devil' (Official HD Video)

When there is nothing transformational that has ever changed the cycle of energy....you realize its dead. Dead things bring no life to those who participate in it.

The most crucial war....where casualties on either side are dangerous to SELF.

I just realized that I just need a lot of alone time.

ACTUALLY I AM LYING.

I knew for a while now that I needed alone time, I'm not really just realizing it.

Coming home that day and feeling like a big giant sack of poop and not having any energy to do anything but climb into the shower and roll into bed because I was and still am in dis-belief.

Learning.

Living.
Loving.

Leaning.

A l o n e.

Long Time

I mean to update this blog but I'm usually occupied with real life moments.

This blog was suppose to be a sort of release for me...a place where I could be real when real life seemed tobe a dark fantasy. It was also a semi-glimpse of who I am and what I aspire to be...in simply just being .....but I was wrong.

And it takes a some growing and a lot of lessons called mistakes to realize when you were wrong.

Were because you can sense when you might be going in the right direction which is often left in the shades of grey and blue....

I have changed nicely...I would think........I feel a bit calm amongst the drama that entices and tries to choke my life.....

My fortune cookie I had in Atlanta said " You will soon make a long overdue personal decision"

I believe I am making it.

There have been many a signs pointing to this moment of yesterday.

Its not as hard as I thought it would be ...because I know I have to do it.

I deserve I chance at happiness and supreme love.

If it is my energy I must change and channel than so be it. I must make some changes in my life...

I need positivity in my life..I need to grow....

I need to shift a lot of channels and create a sphere of plus signs creating a gate of protection from lies and deceit.

I say this as pure as possible..no influences at the current moment and not trying to appease to false depicters...I'm searching for the inner light under the pollution of unnaturality within society....I'll get there with the help of love....immense love of all around me....so for now...I'm just sliding through frozen time....this moment belongs to me....

Erykah Badu- Sometimes

I stopped asking why I get hurt. I stopped looking for who. I stopped asking where I went wrong. I stopped asking what did I do. I stopped asking when things would be better. I replaced all these with the most important question : How can I bring change [=

“It's not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that makes us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity.”-SFB

look at me...

love thee.

form free

free formed head

mind of play doh

but i don't play though

unless

you have a yo-yo

word to ye-yo

When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars. - Charles A. Beard

You never find yourself until you face the truth.- Pearl Bailey

Major Lazer & La Roux - I'm Not Your Lemonade

Love, love is like a stubborn youth
That you'd rather just deny
I'm walking on a broken roof
While I'm looking at the sky

It's all false love and affection
You don't want me
You just like the attention
Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't like me
You just want the attention

(Chorus)
I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy x2


Love, love hides in a smoky light
And I can never find the truth
Boy, your touches leave me mystified
And I wish I could believe in you

Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't want me
You just like the attention
Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't like me
You just want the attention

I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy x3

It's all false love and affection
You don't want me
You just like the attention
Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't like me
You just want the attention

I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy x4

Vegetables...Boring?

So people always ask me, Shapel why are you a vegan? The truth is honestly I am not as vegan as I would love to be...NO I do not eat meat nor dairy but I do eat a lot of starch and grainy products. What I am saying is that you can not claim to be a vegetarian nor vegan with your diet consisting of nothing near 50% of vegetables. Thats right just because you are not a meat eater does not make you a wholly veggie eater. So what I am saying is I chose to increase my vegetable/fruit intake because:

1. When I eat fruits I feel happy..like literally when I eat fruits I feel a surge of energy come throughout my being. I feel all the positive vibes floating throughout my being and my face shows it.
2. Eating animals means my body is literally a walking cemetery. I have carcasses inside of the very temple I am suppose to use to live and create light. Yet I have darkness and death setting in my core.
3. The way animals are killed is with no sacrifice nor thankfulness it is with pure evil and over consumption. The meat market has not heart nor any reason behind the ruthless killing. When there is spirituality in actions their is no truth or justice.
4. Green is whats good for the body. We must intake light for light...
5. Vegetables never get boring so many colors so many different properties and flavors for advancing my physical,emotional and mental planes.

With that said and so much more I still want to say..I'll end this post with the fact that I am working harder to show you exactly how a person on foods with light love and nature looks,acts,feels, etc like. So I will intact 70% vegetables this summer every day. . . Stay tuned!
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it. -Albert Einstein

Amazing world - full of beauty

"Change your thoughts and you change your world!"- Norman Vincent Peale

"Nothing is worth more than this day"- Goethe

prettty pretty =]

One Day My Hair Will Be This Long =]

How To Make a Clementine Candle from maxwell gillingham-ryan on Vimeo.

Cheapalicious: Nifty under $50: Nude pumps for darker skin tones...

Cheapalicious: Nifty under $50: Nude pumps for darker skin tones...: "Q: I have been a fan of your site for a long time now and I love it, keep up the good work! I'm looking for a nice pair of inexpensive nude..."

I actually love this picture....loook at Jay Z !

Pelly

• The name of Pelly creates an overly-sensitive nature which causes you to sense and feel far more than you can understand or put into words.
• 
  
• You have a deep, artistic, and creative side which shows through a love for music and literature.
• 
  
• Writing is a more natural mode of expression for your deeper thoughts and feelings than the spoken word.
• 
  
• You have an ability to concentrate and work intently on anything which holds your interest.
• 
  
• However, you prefer to avoid routine, monotony, and mental tasks.
• Although the name Pelly creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition.
• 
  
• This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the solar plexus, heart, lungs and bronchial area.

Shapel

• Your first name of Shapel gives you an independent, serious, reticent, and studious nature.
• 
  
• An intellectual, you have a deep appreciation for art, music, literature, and all the phenomena of nature.
• 
  
• You express your thoughts and feelings best through writing rather than verbally.
• 
  
• In fact, others find it challenging to understand you as you do not reveal your innermost thoughts unless you are completely comfortable in your friendships.
• 
  
• For that reason, despite having good business abilities, you like to work alone or where you are making your own decisions.
• 
  
• It has created separateness from others and loneliness in your life.
• Although the name Shapel creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition.
• 
  
• This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the heart, lungs, bronchial area, worry, and mental tension.