don't piss on the rice.

if one more person irritates me about my body image and my breast being free when i'm in my night clothes...i might go off....seriously.



i'm getting irritated easily this week.

K'la All your Love w/download link & lyrics

i cannot understand how she knew this song was in my heart...perfect voice...perfect song....the situation is...

TRUTH

30 days of Psalms. along with my awemanac.

Psalms 128:5
May the Lord bless you from Zion all the days of your life.

Peace be upon Israel.

my favorite makeup i did

“Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.”

SAYYY WHATTT?!?!

So sad i cant fight the tears or submit to sleep. I hate not having someone to talk to right now and right here. :(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Shapel attempts to do this Self-Discovery Test as Honest and Real as possible...

Social

What type of people do I enjoy spending time with?
I enjoy hanging out with people like me...I guess thats the most honest answer but I also find myself enjoying time with people unlike myself although we all share very similar qualities.When I spend time with people unlike myself I get a better chance to look deeper at who I am as a person...all in all I find myself more and more in others...freely. 
(intelligent, open-minded, out-going, self-righteous, reflective, quiet, funny, a bit sad, optimists, readers, pessimists, thinkers, sports-minded, active, perceptive, debaters, joke-tellers, etc.)

Why do I enjoy those specific qualities in people?
These people allow me to strengthen these qualities in myself.I feed off of them in hopes of also returning something to the table.
Do I seek out people similar as I, or different from me? Why is that?
I use to seek people similar to me but honestly I do not feel as if there is anyone out there like me. I say this deprived of arrogance. I do not feel like there are that many also who are so far off different than myself...I do not think I am the most special person and no one compares to me...but I do feel like I have seen things and these things I have seen and felt has left me in a never ending chase to search...and search for more.
Do I have many friends as I just described? Why or why not?
What I was afraid of. I am realizing I do not have many friends, I have many associates. Its scary and I constantly want to find a way to disconnect from this hyped fabricated lifestyle that has been created.I believe I have about a good two whole hands of friends who although I have not probably described them previously I know they would help me if they ever could.Our opposites for so long have become fused together to create...a balance of yin and yang...
How many close friends do I want based on the amount of time I have?
I feel that I am fine where I am, as a person in modern society stuck in "Dark Ages" mentality. I always want more people by my side because I am a people person..but I love air...so base on my time and void in my heart and spirit where I am at friendship is sufficient and I must thank the Most High for them as a true blessing.

What would those close relationships look like? What would be the biggest aspects? (talking, shared activities, working on projects together, laughter, storytelling, playing games, etc.)
My friends and I have spent quality time doing what we do best and descriptions are not necessary because my true friends and I love just really being in each others presence. 

What are two of the most favorite things I enjoy doing with others?
I love laughing/smiling. If I can laugh then I do not need anything else.I love talking and uplifting others. I put those above all else.

Where have I met most of the friends I currently have?
(family, work, community, childhood, online, etc.)
My true friends have been here for the most part pre-college...some I had since 3rd grade...

What does where I met these friends tell me about myself?
I met them in my childhood so I do not want to ever let that part of me die because its a strong part of my life and persona.

Why am I still friends with those people?
These people allow me to stay in contact with a part of me, my past that can never be separated from my present. They bring comfort to me.

What is the single biggest attitudinal change I’d like to make when with people? (be more myself, be more out-going, be more honest, initiate more conversations, be more comfortable, be more open, be funnier, interrupt less, initiate more activities, etc.)
I should and will learn to be more honest with everyone around me..especially my friends. Although I have been honest with them always..I will make a commitment to remain honest. I will interrupt less  and be more open and more comfortable with all those around me. I will always try to be more myself. Being"Shapel" is hard...

Emotional

List three situations and/or times when you were the most happy in your life. Specific instances…What elements were present when I felt that way? How was I feeling about myself during those times?
The most happiest times of my life has to have been the time I found out I got into college, especially Spelman College. It made me feel like I am almost there to making it...When I went to Thailand because  this was the first time I had been on a plane and out the country. Another time is when I graduated High School because it seem so far-fetched . I felt like the world was crashing down during those times but now I look at me now and the feeling is doubled but I think to myself that I made it past then ..so life has to get easier.

What do I fear most in my life right now? Why? What would it mean if that happened?
I fear that I will not graduate Spelman College in time for my great-grandmother. I want her to see me get my college degree so bad. My grandmother is my great-grandmother and she is older as much as I hate to admit it. I just pray to the Most High that she can live past that day. It would mean the world to me and lift my spirit past the Sun.

When do I feel the most angry or frustrated? What is it about those situations that I feel that way?
I feel most angry and frustrated with Mathematics and with my ex-boyfriend. Math is just one of my mini fears ever since I didn't excel the way I wished to in AP Calculus AB. Sigh* *****just makes me frustrated because I care about him .. a lot. And I really do not know why. The fact that he dedicates his whole, entire life to work and who knows what else makes me sad also, but I guess it times to let go ....


What is my definition of love? (not Webster’s)
My definition of love is when all you think about is that person, You considered the possibility of others and they sound perfect effortlessly. But its because Love is not perfect and you have to work to keep Love that you disregard other possibilities and push this one possibility past its limits.You are willing to keep trying and trying to work everything out...your chest hurts literally when you think of another path of life without this person....you do this all in caution of losing your very being.

What are my primary beliefs about love? (it’s easy, scary, short-lived, feels good, not possible, difficult, etc.) Where/when did I acquire those beliefs? Do I still believe them? Why or why not?
Love is HARD , scary and feels good this is true. I can easily see how people give up on Love because it is very difficult. I acquired these beliefs with experience with my previous relationship and acquaintances with prior persons.I guess I still believe in them because I am still fighting...=\


Do I have much control over my emotions? Why or why not?
absolutely NOT.  I put on facades. and block out negativity but some things permeate to the surface.


What emotions do I want to feel most of the time?
Peace Love and Internal Happiness.

Significant Relationship

If NOT currently in a marriage/life partnership/relationship

What specific characteristics do I want my ideal life partner to possess? (generosity, open-mindedness, funny, gentle, strong personality, quiet, organized, similar beliefs about politics, finances, parenting, etc, fun, honest, similar goals, attractive, playful, out-going, etc.)
I want my life partner to be himself. I want him to be generous , open-minded, VERY funny like TBS [= and gentle with a strong personality. I want him to be comfortable with himself.

Why do I want them to have those characteristics?
Because I am illusion-ed that I posses them and I want to work with someone who has them. I want someone to make me better not complete me...make me better..polish me...only I can fix and grow the broken pieces.
How would I feel if I never had a life partner? Why would I feel that way?
I think I would feel the same..I never had much to begin with. It does get lonely but I feel with every Self realization I am growing into a person that enjoys more spiritually inclined physical things. Because of my mindset I drive a lot of people away or barely attract them at all. Its sad at first. It causes me to question..but its my life...my story right...we all got different authors and genres.

If currently in a marriage/life partnership/relationship

Am I happy in my current relationship? Why or why not?
I do not have one but the last one ...I can honestly say no, and it hurts. But I am getting stronger I would like to believe.He always had to work..too many secrets..too much confusion in my soul. I want too much?

What is the biggest problem I see in the relationship?
He worked ...and worked..but can you complain about that. 

In what way would I like my partner to change? Why is that important to me?
Time. Talk. Attitude.

Could I be happy if that person did not change? Why or why not?
Getting over it...and them.


What did I appreciate about this person when I first met/knew them?
Charming like every other Jamaican on the planet . Sharine and I call it the slick oil greasy Jamaican talk.LOL. He was always nice...some what never directly blatantly disrespected me. . . He was pretty to look at to me.

What do I appreciate about them now?
dang.
Why are those qualities important to me?
...

What is the single biggest attitudinal change I could make that would enhance this relationship?
I tried hard...I sacrificed a lot. Once again Shapel said she was too tired.

Spiritual / Ethics

Do I believe in God? If not, how do I believe the universe operates? Why do I believe that?

I do believe in a Higher Power that controls the Laws of Life and Nature. There is a Ultimate Energy that creates a Song of emotions...every Track gets at least one play. Sometimes they rewind it and sometimes it Stops and pauses on one for what seems like a while..but then you remember that this too shall pass...Why do I believe this...I actually do not know....

How has my childhood effected my beliefs about God/or lack there of?
I grew up in a strong Baptist Christian and Islamic household...a God is definitely there. So my life is shaped by Spiritual beings who hold faith and heads real high....

What characteristics do I believe God possesses? Why do I believe that?
God as most will call all, is a beautiful bowl of water...in which you will always be thirsty and want. You can never get enough of the one whose everything...who is all. I believe this because thats how I feel.

What is my relationship with this God/Universe?
Is it the relationship I want? Why or why not?
I love this planet  and universe although I become sad and angry at the things that occur in here. I wish I could put up a NO sign for some of the things that happens here. I love a lot..some times I question if it could be too much.But then I tink about the people who have less..and I realize love can never be too much....I'd give all my love for universal happiness. This relationship is my tragic fatal flaw....

In what way does my spiritual beliefs effect my day-to-day life?
People think that I am very positive...I would like to agree but some things get cloudy and sometimes the clouds become so enchanting that I see myself up there and forget that there are suns and moons nearby....I always try to be the beam of light because I never know how I can change someones life ..for a moment.

Do I have a code of conduct that I follow? If no, do I want one? Why or why not? If yes, what is it and why those codes?
I treat people with respect. I love , always even when it hurts. We need more plus signs ..more positivity. I help because as long as someone is giving we all can receive.

Financial

What beliefs did I “take on” from my parents in regards to money? (it’s difficult to get, it’s scarce, you should only have so much, it’s easy to make, having it /not having it says something about me, live for the moment, give it away, I’ll never have enough, it’s a secret, saving is important, etc)
Difficult to get and stay right...stay good/pure. Can you truly have enough?

What does money mean/represent to me?
(security, aliveness, freedom, love, peace of mind, etc)
Money means freedom right by slavery. Money is an attachment that can potentially drown you and give you wings. Money is really dangerous yet it plays safe....

Do I feel peaceful or anxiety in regards to money?
Why do I feel that way about it?
I feel anxiety. Going to Spelman living in Southside Jamaica...you want money ....you motherloving need money to sustain..in that lifestyle. I doubt my path sometimes when I come to realize this. Tuition is awful and I want to uplift my family and my community. I want to give the poor and needy so much more than myself.

How much money do I feel I deserve to make a year? Why that amount?
 I just want to maintain and sustain..I can't even think about figures...I don't wanna die in debt though...
What would it mean to me if I made more or less than that amount? Why do I believe that?
ugh..next section ...i'm over this.

Career

What types of things did I enjoy doing as a child? (building things, drawing, sports, writing, solving puzzles, being with animals, my chemistry set, organizing games, talking, anything physical, playing house, cowboys and Indians, etc) Do I do anything today that has similar qualities to it?
I loved every moment with my mom..I loved to doodle, go to the park,write short stories...man almost anything...I loved Disney movies and I loved being outside jump roping while looking at the sky.

How do I currently earn my livelihood? How did I come to be so employed?
I am an RA at Spelman College looking for a second job...


What was present during the times I loved my work?
What were the elements present in those situations?
I love helping others out...my life will be involved in helping others out. I knows this.

Am I currently doing the type of work I love to do?
If not, what type of work would I like to do?
If yes, what would have to change for me to enjoy it more?
What attitudinal change could I make to enjoy it more?
I enjoy my job most of the time honestly..some times I just wanna chill and be a student and take more naps. I could start thanking the Most High for all I have though....stop complaining.

What has stopped me so far from pursuing the type of work I love? Do I want to continue allowing that to stop me? What could I do to change that?
Nothing much is stopping me...I can't really figure out my obstacles..I guess I need to analyze and evaluate that section of my life a little bit more. I need to stare in the mirro with no sounds perhaps.

What is my definition of success? (not Webster’s) that?
To be happy...to be true to myself and those that loved me forever. To stay Human. Black. My great grandmother's child. To uplift people around me from shoulders of giants from the past.

Personal

What skills have I acquired that I’m proud of?
I have learned to listen more and to analyze situations.

What accomplishments am I proud of?
I am proud to be in College..travel abroad and remain Shapel just trying to better her.I made very few new friends at school which is cool. I'm trying my best to remain above the water..my head ducked uner water once but I'm going to limit that to be the one and only...please.
Beginning when I was a child, what are the 10 most significant events in my life? Why did I make them significant?

1. Living with my Aunt Tiny when there was a family emergency, a change of how I lived. It was very refreshing at that young age and I appreciate her and love her a lot.
2. Visiting my Aunt Khedda , she always treat me amazing! Looks out for me and offers help all the time.
3. Graduating High School with a 96.4 because a lot of girls in my neighborhood did not receive that blessing.
4. Getting accepted to Spelman. Enough said. Oh and UNCC and Bennett.
5. Meeting my Dad's Dad...too bad he doesn't know me for real.
6. Going to Thailand.Brazil.Nigeria and India. These trips created a never ending yearning for travel and service.
7. Coming to college and definitely realizing I wish not to be Greek. I was me without Letters and Colors. All I need is my air, my last name, my head on and forward ,glances back every now and then and a sense of self.
8. Buying my car and putting everything in my name and on my own.
9. Getting my job at the Afrikan Poetry Theatre and getting promoted.
10. Becoming a vegan...and trying to transform into a Live/Raw food one.

What period of my life do I like most? Why?
What period of my life do I like least? Why?
I loved Childhood and I wish it would come back , it was magical and care-free for real.Stuff I thought matter a lot back then is like hahaha now.
I love life....periods of struggle I respect but aren't my favorite.

What are five of my greatest strengths?

1. Wise
2. Loving
3. Sense of Humor
4. Thinker
5. Helpful

What do I desire most right now? Why do I desire that?
To fill this void in my chest that aches. I wish not to get played so much in my life. I'm trying to fix my Law of Attraction so that some more good can come way. I desire love and peace and its because I have this burning desire that I am trying to control that I might be hindering myself from receiving love and peace.

If I was to receive an award, what would I want that award to be for? Why that?
Wow. "Most Grounded in Truth and Giving" most def.

If I was to pick out a general theme that showed up often while answering these questions, what would that theme be? What does it mean? How do I feel about that?

Missing. Relinquish. Needy.Confusion.

i feel tired and confused....I need an energy pill and a mirror of the soul....

ebay? amazon?

Grounded on a Cloud

j.cole

When you fall in love....

make sure you look at your reflection clearly. Love you. . .
embrace you.

I accept myself. I love my body ...I am an astounding work in progress from my Creator. I am blessed to still be here. Like a crucifix I am hoping to be a positive sign , an addition to the lives of others...All I have done well please give praise and thanks to the Most High....


at the end of the day I am hue-man.

and
I love you.
I love me.
I love us.
We are.

lightbulbs ...flickering

Never make someone your priority when you are barely an option.

Never make sacrifices..never change.

When someone does not see the light ...don't open their heavy lids.

Tonight , rather today was the day that Shapel has come to the realization that she expects and puts certain people ahead of what they should be given. I overestimate dumbly. And for this epiphany. 

 

I have to let go and let it be..if it comes back to me..then maybe.

I will not hold anger like dark black hot coal in my heart...I deserve better..I'm destined for other things.

I am the only thing standing stubbornly in my way. 

The Game is about to be ONNNN

and I am oh so excited and I just cannot hide it..I can't wait these fifteen minutes is about to kill me......AHHHHHH!

MY LIFE LOL

Today, an old man started telling me about the high price of meat. I told him I wouldn't know, since I'm a vegetarian. His reply was, "Oh, most vegetarians are slimmer." FML

Peter Bjorn And John - Nothing To Worry About

Today I was esctatic for the simple fact that I am alive and I bleed today. Though a bit earlier. I bleed. and it was the Blood that poured from the place that life could potentially be created that allowed me to be happy and full again. I have not been so happy for a cycle in such a time...soon though I will get to the healing point where I will not bleed...but that takes time..and patience and knowledge of nature and energy....

sidenote-

TRUTH IS....

PEOPLE WANT TO BE LIKE ME..BECAUSE THEY FORGOT THEIR OWN SELVES.



Jacob Miller - Mixed Up Moods

sometimes i ask how am i living instead of why?

It does not comfort me to know that there are people out there who suffer more than me or less than me. It never made me feel better...i guess i'm not misery cause that is company i do not particularly enjoy.

I use to have my life figured out a few..actually i don't remember but i have realized that life has not in fact gotten easier.
From boy to family problems , school to identity crisis...i almost lost myself one time...

I wanted to love. To be so deep and wrapped up in this concept of love and warmth that i almost threw away my everything as i have known it to be..just so he can be so satisfied by me..by me. No one else just me..but we are human right? We have needs and desiress and everlasting sparking fires...
We want sweat we want pleasure and all the facemaking we can make...i just wasnt ready fully. I gave you enough almost too much...but i got this headache in the knick of time...

Spelman spelman thy name i praised my senior year of high school...i just needed to be a spelman..but now i dont regret it i just second guess it..a lot.

And where is that boy when there is down time...
When its cold...
When youre bored of studying academics...
And you rather have a lesson on life and love...

Hes with her. Not you.
Not you.
Cause i was NEVER enough.

Family is supposed to be my backbone and im looking mighty mighty hunchback...
I havent asked for much...but i'll try to never ask again.
Smh.

Where are all the strong male models...do i really have to pay off my dad's debt???? Damn the sins of a father....

I dont curse...usually. actually never.
But im getting to the point where ...i feel my vigor slipping away.

I wish i could go far far away.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

I miss Jasmyn and Camesha.
the good parts of Atlanta
plus my beautiful loving RA staff<3

brighter sidesss<3

where is the kia? i miss her too.
freshman year was bomb.

BYE BYE FACEBOOK.

i need a real hiatus.

more real world experiences.

Today, I put a sock on my dorm room door to get everyone to think I was getting laid. In truth, I'm a virgin and just wanted to take a peaceful nap. FML


that is so me....

Give me this face back please Dear God...I know you let us borrow them but can we just have them all one mo gin?

“Too many people grow up. That's the real trouble with the world, too many people grow up. They forget. They don't remember what it's like to be 12 years old. They patronize, they treat children as inferiors. Well I won't do that.”- Disney

i want these braids back=[
locs grow faster and thicker please.

hungry!

OLEK AND THE CHARGING BULL ON WALL STREET from olek on Vimeo.

Rest in Peace*

Adrienne Martie Elizabeth Bauduit (middle) =\

updated madness..

 yummy locchain i ordered...although it almost fell apart...but not exactly. love it <3

This right here was my old room in the basement ( ITS GOING DOWN) a very detailed visual. [= enjoy?