sometimes i ask how am i living instead of why?

It does not comfort me to know that there are people out there who suffer more than me or less than me. It never made me feel better...i guess i'm not misery cause that is company i do not particularly enjoy.

I use to have my life figured out a few..actually i don't remember but i have realized that life has not in fact gotten easier.
From boy to family problems , school to identity crisis...i almost lost myself one time...

I wanted to love. To be so deep and wrapped up in this concept of love and warmth that i almost threw away my everything as i have known it to be..just so he can be so satisfied by me..by me. No one else just me..but we are human right? We have needs and desiress and everlasting sparking fires...
We want sweat we want pleasure and all the facemaking we can make...i just wasnt ready fully. I gave you enough almost too much...but i got this headache in the knick of time...

Spelman spelman thy name i praised my senior year of high school...i just needed to be a spelman..but now i dont regret it i just second guess it..a lot.

And where is that boy when there is down time...
When its cold...
When youre bored of studying academics...
And you rather have a lesson on life and love...

Hes with her. Not you.
Not you.
Cause i was NEVER enough.

Family is supposed to be my backbone and im looking mighty mighty hunchback...
I havent asked for much...but i'll try to never ask again.
Smh.

Where are all the strong male models...do i really have to pay off my dad's debt???? Damn the sins of a father....

I dont curse...usually. actually never.
But im getting to the point where ...i feel my vigor slipping away.

I wish i could go far far away.

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