But I have this innate feeling that since I can never loathe something one hundred percent...I must hold love for it. And with that I am going to have love for him for a very long time. I wish things could have changed magically. I don't want to live a lie..so I guess this has come to an end of either a illusional cycle of beginnings. I get really hollowed and contradictingly(real word?) sad inside. Last night , after the call I made s many thousands of times...I still didn't get that sense that this time if you gave him a chance he might change..things might actually go in your direction..then I glance momentarily into my future and realized because things might not actually change I can not ... give him another chance...I am losing energy and gaining death. Like I am spending energy writing this post bcause I feel like I need to release this stress from my chest and uplift my soul.
But then there is.....
especially my feelings. I wish I could say it before its all too late.
I have this tough exterior that seems to sabotage me and save me from the hurt that comes anyway. If life is love....When did life become so difficult? or maybe the simplicity of it all is just not setting well with me in this stage of life...or even less advanced ...I might not fully understand love...but can you ever? So many bad titles its received...can or will I ever come to know it at first chance without being judgmental about who and what love is.
I need to make my bed....or get in it.....
no no
I need to make my bed and make my life choices as much as possible.
sn: I want him back.But differently. I want him to be unpredictable....communicating....open-minded.....happy/positive...... humorous....non-secretive.....and everything else I had in mind....but i'm being selfish.
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