self

Self

By Shapel LaBorde
I haven't been myself lately or maybe I haven't even met myself yet.
I'm acting like everything I'm not or is this what I am.
I use to love to do all these things or maybe I felt compelled to do this.
People say I'm lazy , crazy and I amaze thee.
I've even pondered upon the thought that maybe this is a phase.
A play and when the act is over the curtains close.
What goes on behind those curtains-who knows..
Not even I.
The water is up to my chin and rising.
Should I wait? Contemplate ? Take
that risk and plunge under.
Will I gain this sense of Self.
Choose fast.
These demons are right behind me but they never caught up.
I 'm on the Devil's Most Wanted List
and I'm categorized with Rebels and people who raise their fist.
I miss
that care free spirit that visited me back in the days.
Now it hasn't shown up and I'm starting to like it that way.
This isn't me.
For sure?
Numbers and paper use to displease me
and now I loathe it and I see its in battle with thee.
Whose winning ?
My hands are dirty and I don't even want them clean.
Selfish and selfless because I don't know what I....
I don't know what I...
I don't know what I...
I don't know what I mean...